Relationships usually start well. Both of you treat each other with love and respect. Then something happens and you or your partner gets upset. When you’re upset at someone, you can’t be in the same place with him.
There is this huge gap between you and the person you are upset with. Soon enough, you get upset again and the gap gets larger. When this cycle continues, it keeps increasing the distance. As time goes on, the distance grows and the love gets buried, distance by distance.
Eventually, the gap is so large in your relationship that you feel uncomfortable. It looks as if you simply don’t love this person anymore, but the love that was present at the height of your relationship never goes completely away. It’s just buried by the entire grudge and the pain.
As the distance grows, you become defensive, critical and quick to anger. Anger becomes more frequent, harsher and so you constantly feeding the gap. Soon the dream from which the relationship started from, turns into a nightmare.
This scenario happens in most relationships. They start out wonderful and then go downhill. When the relationship finally ends in flames and we get a new relationship, the process starts all over again.
If you want to stop this from happening in your relationships, you need to learn how to remove the distance. This is key in maintaining the love and affection high throughout the relationship! Communication is usually the most effective way to remove distance. When you get upset, say what you’re upset about. Get it off your chest and be done with it.
When you communicate your anger, the anger loses power. The distance disappears, your frustration is solved and the experience of love can return. Look at the times in your life when you’ve been angry and instead of keeping it to yourself, you talked about it. Notice what happened to the anger after you’ve got it out of your system. It vanished. Now pay attention to what happened to that gap. It vanished as well.
Communication is the answer to a healthy relationship. It removes the distance in the relationship and restores peace of mind. Unfortunately, communicate, as we learnt early in life, tend to create more distance, instead of removing it. Instead of trying to resolve the problem and restoring love, we tend to rapidly decline to blaming, accusations, attacking, being right or attempting to change the other person.
Once you start going in this road, you put the other person on the defensive. That person then gets angry himself and has to fight to protect him or herself, it’s one of our basic instincts. Then you get even more angry. Without knowing, you fuel the quarrel and create more distance.
Sure enough, going through these arguments a couple of times will teach you that it’s not safe to communicate your anger. it’s easier to just keep them inside. Well, the problem isn’t in communicating your anger, it’s in how you communicate your anger.
If you really want to eliminate the distance in from your relationships, you have to communicate in a way that doesn’t create more anger and frustration (to both sides).
The way to do this is by making your communication nonthreatening to the other person. Don’t give the other person anything to be defensive about, make sure it is safe for the other person to listen to what you want to say. Communicate for the sole purpose of eliminating the distance and restore love and balance to the relationship.
Don’t communicate for the purpose of blaming, accusing, attacking, being right or changing someone.
Take responsibility for what happened and for your being angry and don’t blame the other person unless you specifically want an argument. The best way to communicate an issue is to find the pain that’s under your anger and attempt to explain it to the other person.
Instead of blaming and accusing “What’s wrong with you?” “Why did you hurt me?” put the attention on your pain. Say, “What you did made me sad. I feel hurt and I don’t understand why you would do that to me” Put all the attention on yourself and not on what the other person did.
Besides, it’s your anger. When you accuse the other person for your anger, you get to keep it. When you take full responsibility for your anger, you can release it.
So what you need to ask yourself is: What are you really committed to? Are you committed to removing the gap between you and your partner, restore love and have your relationship work, or are you committed to blaming, accusing, attacking, being right and changing your partner?
This is your choice. You can have resistance or you can have a partnership. You can’t have both. If you are committed to removing the gap and have your relationship a successful one, there is plenty you can do. You can start by finding why the gap is there and remove it using HEALTHY communication.
Distance is created by keeping anger and pain inside. “I’m angry that you didn’t keep your promise”, or “I’m sad that you don’t love me anymore”. Once the communication is made, you cant keep inside no more. The anger is released and the distance disappears.
In order to find what you are keeping inside, imagine the other person standing in front of you. Then look at what sets both of you apart. What are you angry about? What is the distance?
Find out what you want to say and then say it. Start all the way from the beginning of your relationship and say everything you have on your mind. Before you begin though, make sure you have a safe environment for communication. Make sure you release any resistance or grudge you may have towards your partner and then tell that person that you have some things you want to say in order to remove the distance between you. Ask him or her to just listen. Then, say whatever you want to say.
If the person gets defensive, stop talking and pay attention to how you are communicating. You are either trying to change this person or blame him. Don’t do that. If the only way you can communicate anger is by blaming, you’d better warn the other person first so that he or she won’t take it personally.
Once you’ve communicated everything you want to say, allow the other person to respond. Let him say everything he or she wants to say, everything they are upset about. Pull all the anger out. The more anger the other person releases, the more love that person can express afterwards.
The key to removing this relationship killing distance is to get everything said. Get it all out. Just make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated in the proces.